My Incapacity Benefit has been stopped because the tarding eejits that process sick notes at Tower House, practically do it in retrobloodygrade. Fucking spam bollocks. I hate the bureaucratic nightmare the civil service (mainly) is. Another sucky irritable phone call on the cards tomorrow. That'll be the third this week. Like I haven't got anything better to do with my time.
HA HAR!...
Which neatly leads me onto the work thing, I have now had (not all in one block) 7.5 months off work sick this year. For the first 4 months I felt guilty, pathetic, unproductive and useless. I suppose I had a minor personality crisis(great song by the New Yorks Dolls by the way) regarding my 'place and usefulness in this life'. It's funny how our self-identities get so drawn up alongside our 'paid' work. It's funny that I judge myself more harshly than those around me. You'd think that running peer-led self-management courses for people with long-term health conditions I just may be a bit more, 'oh it's ok I'm allowed to be ill and everything'. Alas no, many hours of the day were self-judged in the way 'am I well enough to work?'. I think since the summer I've had a bit of an epiphany regarding my place in this world. I have had quite a few complications with the von Willies type 3 haemorrhaging nuggets over the years and a recognisable psychiatric disorder for well over a decade and for the same period something akin to CFS, oh and the arthropathy, high blood pressure and asthma(and a couple of other recent illness I'll gloss over!). I have struggled to work full-time until I was 31, and have been working around 30hrs a week since then, except for failing at that miserably for the last 18months. See I still have to pick myself up on this language. It is a fact I have not managed this 30hrs a week working malarky for some time but have I failed?I'm not seeing this as a personal failure anymore, I'm not judging myself with the harsh eyes other might, because I don't deserve that. I have done my best and well if it wasn't good enough for someone else, then tough!
What's happened since February is I've had 3 lots of surgery, 5 in-patient admissions, 14 weeks of a cracking depression AND I've had a bloody good rest and a good bit of fun in between times :P. I've made new friends and re-connected with old friends, I don't want to be entirely flakey but this isn't a total coincidence I KNOW have been an emotional-energy-draining-alien for some (sadly not minor portions) of my adult life and I feel like I am still learning to enjoy life(post-puberty, I think I just got bitter from having periods lol). And I have started to really feel OKAY emotionally for the first time in a lot of years/ever/since pre-puberty! Positivity, I know a lot of you know this through life experience, bereavement, illness both mental and physical etc is such a hard state to attain, especially if you are in constant pain! However that pain manifests! I can't help but think that part of me, how can I say...that negative inner (dare I say parental) voice that berates, beats up and niggles has finally been somewhat quieted. I don't need to justify my existence. (I doubt) I think, therefore I am?
I've taken the pressure off me.
Oh hell Nina Simone put it better: "And this old world is a new world, And a bold world, For me"... "It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life, For me, And I'm feeling good"
Now, I've just gotta figure out a way of netting a monthly 1k without lifting a finger(or telephone).
'Personality Crisis'-The New York Dolls
5 comments:
Oooohhhh 'eeels' is a Frightly Poosh thingy?? Bugger - can't believe I go to bed so early, and miss all the best stuff, only to be lying there with my ankle killing me and my legs aching wide a fucking wake! Is it repeated?? Jae, you'll know?? Or I could watch it online right???
Anyhoo - I am exactly the same H, beating myself up becoz I am off sick, feeling useless and a waste of space if I cannot work full time like a loon and have a fulfilling social life outside work, and also praps get involved with other voluntary stuff like women's boards etc!! Why is that?? Stupid I know! Why do we judge our worth by how much we jam in - if you know what I mean ;0
As my homeopath said - shit, can't remember now but it was summat like - we need to adjust our expectations to our limitations. No, it wasn't that actually, nothing like... Ok, I typed it into my phone, how sad is that!
"Learn how to be. How best to handle the situation you find yourself in. Find the happiness in this moment. It is up to us."
Make any sense? Cos I think that's what we're learning to do, right?
xxx
Yeah finding the balance is really hard, but I feel like I've found it now. DON'T WORK! You can have a social life and everything. For too long all I do is sleep and work and sleep some extra at the weekends, it's no wonder I was getting flipping depressed all the time I was ISOLATED, bored and mainly ASLEEP!
We need to jam things in too though ;)
I like what your homocidalpath said too, I think we are learning 'how to be'. That was a very positive statement.
It all reminds me a little of some of the self-identity stuff that comes up with adoption, that which i read in The Primal Wound too: She writes some interesting stuff, that made a lot of sense to me personally:
http://www.nancyverrier.com/ado_notes.php
Your jammy vW sis
H xxx
Did you get your IB sorted out missus?? Can't have you not working and being poor - that would bugger up the social life summat chronic!
How longs that 'murder my meat' been there - hehehe - I ain't touching your meat!
p.s. got cable and TMB on watch again woo hoooooo!
Did you dance with elsie??
IB being paid this week again I belive, fricking doilums!
Murder my meat has been there a good month believe, maybe a coupla weeks, I find time distends!!!!
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