Yule do as you're told

Well I've just been to get my Xmas food shop(which is basically the same as every other weeks food shop but with more vodka). Even skag eads shop at 2am it would seem. The ASDA(WALMART) is only shut for 2 days, there MUST be muchos waste at Christmas time people have been on the supermarket buying frenzy for weeks. Who eats it all?

I have been on family only Xmas alert this year due to drop in monski, but managed to FAIL in The ghastly White Rose Centre today by being mysteriously lured into Evans and Debenhams and buying myself a pair of jeans and a Chanel lip-gloss :-/, that's hardly the heart of frugal behaviour is it? (I know I have to go back to work to feed made Chanel make-up habit. I jest.I have to go back cos of the debts. Everything just feels so tainted regarding work, but I've promised myself not to dwell, I've made a decision to proceed with grievance, relax and just try for internal jobs that I fancy. I'm not going to just take anything, I don't want to act in haste and repent at leisure but I feel a bit desperate, ok a LOT desperate-I don't seem to handle conflict well. Also I feel conflicted internally as my mum and I 'fell-out' last week she said things down the phone 'your on the scrapheap of life' 'look at all your friends with careers overtaking you'. She also said things like 'who'd give you a job with your time off sick', like it hadn't fucking occured to me. I terminated the call just as she shreiked 'YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK FULL TIME', just like I was taught to in a call centre. I feel very isolated.(She hasn't been returning my calls).And that my friends just sends me into a downward sprial of negativity and total self-doubt, and I've been crying more.I've been much more content of late, more stable and this is just making me feel like er shit. I wish I had no emotions, to be an automaton must be divine.

I nearly entered a competition today but the prise was £3000 to spend in Primark and really none of their clothes will ever fit me, even if I rule in the luck of me winning a major roll-over in the Lottery and had muchos surgery would they fit me, not that I could have surgery cos of the bleeding. Hmmm. I didn't enter. I'd be suprised if anyone would be able to spend £3000 in Primark, I bought my bro Sol 2 tops and a pair of trews there the other week and even that only came to £14!

In Other Tedious (mainly medical) News: I had 2 hospital appointments today, collected 3 prescriptions and had an injection of 5000 units of Factor VIII, (and have been to 4 shops, which almost felt like work not leisure!).I forgot to take my Depo Provera jab so another large dose of factor in the offing to prevent the muscle bleed. Oh and my chest infection is now clearing up, the Drs put me on a third course of anti-biotics, I've had a 3 day headache and a 24 hour nosebleed(not heavy just an n-oozebleed), I have vaginal thrush(which I get from anti-biotics and Depo Provera) my good ankle is feeling bad and my bad ankle has put in a grievance about the cold damp weather, and my gastro-intestinal tract has decided to bleed some more, which was a suprise given the 100% Factor VII levels. Hell, weeks like these were made for the pharmaceuticals anti-depressant/painkiller/blood product market!

I'm glad I've missed all the work Xmas do's, I don't feel even vaguely festive. At least by leaving the small black Xmas tree up all year I've saved myself the job of ' seasonaly decorating' the house.

Anyway I'm off to neck some numby pills and get some sleep.

Love and light y'all, it's Yule man :)

Laters x