white flag

The back end of last week was a little too surreal for words.

In summary my stalker has handed himself into the Police, and in turn they have handed him over to the psychiatrists. (Oh and the Police let slip he's moved house and is now living round the corner from me.Fab.) It's a bit too weird and upsetting for me to go into but suffice to say I hope this means a spell of incarceration(for him, not me!).

I thought about having a baby. I have become unbearably broody of late, probably due to my new found emotional safety regarding bleeding (now that I have the autobahn of venous access).For the first time in my life it seems a possibility, as opposed to a ridiculous suicidal notion! The thoughts are abruptly halted by my total lack of seriousness of a relationship... and a whole variety of other complicating factors. Oh and I was proposed to this week(I declined). Maybe I spoke/thought too soon about babies. But I'm not in love. And this rather forced the issue/conversation. So now I'm not entirely sure if we're dating.

Suffice to say the weirdness has been taken down a peg since Sunday afternoon when I went for a wee walk down by the Leeds Liverpool canal at Rodley to contemplate things. I mainly contemplated the gorgeous subtle smell of tibetan balsam with its delightful citrusy top-note, (I have actually no idea if that what it really is but so says the nice American lady who lives near the canal and has a chat with me). Actually I googled it, it's Himalyan Balsam, but lets not split hairs eh?! She wears Armani and makes chocolate brownies.I like her.I like it down by the canal, period.You meet and get talking to a variety of people, then sometimes it's only the reeds whispering. I also contemplated 'could I really survive hours not asleeep and look after both myself and a totally dependant child?'.The other stuff about children doesn't phase me. Serious lack of sleep does though! I then thought about buying a bike and living nearer the canal. None are affordable options right now! My house is fine though. But he knows where I live and I never know when he's gonna turn up, I just don't want all this emotional crap raking up willy-nilly.I don't like the way it leaves a ghost of creepiness when he does turn up/send flowers/leave sinister messages etc.And it actually reminds me of how much I hate another human being. I mean not actively hate him, I don't go round plotting my revenge or anything(!) but I seriously feel like a bad person when I have these thoughts of hate.Me and my stalker dated for just over a year(he wasn't a stalker then, he was my first love) and then we broke up, a few months later he started the weird/nasty shit. That was 17yrs ago. I sometimes feel like moving far away.

I can't help but think of those lyrics from Dead Can Dance-'I can see now':
And there's nothing more dangerous
Than a man with nothing to lose
Nothing to live for
And nothing to prove.

I obviously walked too far yesterday cos today I'm on crutches(osteo-chondritis/arthropathy),so I'm not at Jackie Leven gig tonight, that probably is a good thing given I have to drive to Sheffield at 8.30am and I tend to be excitable after a gig and can't sleep for an age.Tomorrow is my pre-op assessment.