I just can't be happy today

I feel chronically empty and insanely miserable.

Oh and the Surgeons have put me on the 3-6 month waiting list so not only do I not have the op I was told I would have imminently (ie should have had by now), but maybe not until December. *bangs head on desk*. Then I got the shirty treatment from the surgeons secretary "what *you've gotta understand is I wasn't told", I was in NO way blaming the poor woman it's just an atypical NHS fuck-up but what she's gotta understand is I can't let my life drift on in this fucked up way.... or can I? This throws a huge fuck-off spanner into the 'stay off work until after the operation' works. I have a meeting with work on Monday - I can predict how this will go... they may spring a suprise devious tactic on me(I think we've established I am now paranoid and am convinced they are out to get me), I will feel *suprise!* paranoid and hurt, the Unison rep will start shouting, at which point I will feel physically sick. I will go home in tears feeling useless and as paranoid as Paranoidus from Paranoidsville and wonder if I can ever go back. I still don't know if I'll get the job (as we've all had to re-apply for our own jobs). This makes me feel extremely insecure and leaves me in limbotic hell. I think maybe I should go back-even if it's only 15 hours, but the problem with that is I am earning more off work sick on 15hrs pay and with SSP on top of that. But maybe it's the acute boredom/lack of motivation that's eating me. I need a hobby. It used to be sex.

Damn right I'm good in bed, I can sleep for days... I am sleeping apx 13 hours a day, today was 17hrs!!! And I still don't feel like I've had enough quality sleep. Anything less than 10 hours and I start nodding off randomly throughout the day. I nearly fell asleep at the wheel on Monday after a mere 7 hours. Why? This isn't a new whinge I've been this tired since 1998. And I cleared Hep C spontaneously so it's not that, go figure. And yesterday I got a parking ticket for parking in my disabled bay outside my house. Excellent.

I think, deep-down I hope I will wake-up one day thin, healthy and happy lol. Dream on.

Emo.

Uber-emo.

I'm get on the exercise bike with NIN screaming out and pedal this madness from my door. I'm going nowhere, fast.