synapse lapse

*waves to Ros!* My dear reader I'm sorry I neglected you, I was busy being either a, paranoid or b, being a non-stop ecstatic dancer :) OR c, ON FACEBOOK!

I wasn't duped - I'm just paranoid. Well suprise fucking suprise. Not so paranoid to know that I am now actually being ignored. Oh why did I have to tell the love interest that wasn't interested that I loved him, again, (in a loo - why always in a loo?) and then I get a date mixed up for a dumping. Damn. It's fair to say I may have some baggage(LOL). I keep thinking, if only I could have suspended my paranoia, disbelief and insecurity...would the outcome have actually been any different? I've been quiet cos I've been in pieces, just sharp-edged bitter shards lacing this world, ready to cut. I've managed to really offend him, I think, I don't know for sure! Anyway I can't dwell on this, the path is simple for me. "...well, maybe there's a god above, but all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you, it's not a cry that you hear at night it's not somebody who's seen the light, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"

Well, what to say here...

My dad had a knee problem diagnosed by Bupa last Friday week, his op was today. I've been shitting it, he is 71 and you're all well aware of my medical anxieties, even by proxy. I didn't tell my dad I loved him yesterday. I just gave him a kiss on the cheek. We only do this before operations/suicide attempts. He's home already, all going good :) and *breathe*.

I have my op date at last, Friday 12th October – hope this fits in with the haemo specialist guys being in the country, otherwise I’ll just have to fly me and Mr Ackroyd to whatever haemo conference they’re at! They asked for me on ward K2 but I’m not so good with hillwalking, or sticking my hands in big cracks on a weekend... so I've asked for another P3 please Bob. I'm getting a central line to ease venous access. Rhona Maclean is 'in charge' of me. I have stopped the NSAIDS. Just wanna get this over with now. Expect further minor emotional tremors just afore surgery! Though to be honest I could murder for a slice of mature cheddar, the weight loss has been giving me strength 11.7 kilos down *yayness*. Thank god I kept all my old leather strides :). Which reminds me, bugger, I'll miss the next Club Lash.

My 'kinky neighbour' asked me in all seriousness last night if he could dress as Batman in fishnets and come round tonight for a spanking. I kid you not, my life gets stranger by the day. I proceeded to mention the words 'friends' and 'boundaries' in my next breath.(Once I'd stopped laughing/considering the horniness potential). But really I should admit I have bought my own Batman outfit, I just need a boyfriend with great thighs and a fine jaw-line to fill it, not a one night spank. Though Adam West *wistful sigh* will always be best.

Today - I gave no sweets away - just lots of random chats/shit jokes and praise to strangers and damn it felt good. I can summise my retial therapy at the Chanel/Urban Decay/Benefit counter also went some way to alleviate my recent distress.

'And I tried so hard to resist
When you held me in your handsome fist
And reminded me of the night we kissed
And of why I should be leaving'
- I nearly bought a Lauren Bacall print in error the other day. All I want is Marlene on my wall.

I'm delighted to see that Gordon Browns suggested a Mugabe boycott
at
fucking
last.

I'm thinking of jumping the country for a few days, any suggestions, offers of help, places to hide out, lol, me and Gillywoo fancy Darvel folk festival in East Ayrshire. Although I could just go to the Haemo AGM in Preston as planned.Ros are you going or is some foreign excursion more pressing dear?! I do see John Foxx at Manc Academy on friday tho :).

I'm gonna have a Halloween birthday party. Please cum. All invited. Sat 27th Oct at mine. Fancy dress theme: halloween/medical/sci-fi or squirrel. I'll be the very mullered / chemically enhanced / immature version of Helen v 3.6.

Hallam Foe is a pleasant film, made awesome by it's cinematographic sweep on Edinburghs skyline. It's no secret Edinburgh is one of my favourite places on earth(not that I've been much beyond Donny lol). I've re-newed my membership at The National Media Museum in Bradford. And cos I get a disabled discount to boot, a film and a cappucino only set me back £3.55.This is my second home.

I'm still loving Kirk voice, ah my second ever gig... this song has got the perfect urgency and irritable persistance I've come to expect from Brandon. Oh hark back to the glory days of Liberator. He's a power-packed midwich cuckoo'd tyrant and god it's fine. Referencing my second fave European City. "SPEAR OF DESTINY's new studio album "Imperial Prototype" we have just posted a low-fi film of the lead track from the album 'Berlin Berlin'. You can check it out here":

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=18972464

Tomorrow the white coats ;)